April’s Horoscope

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Your Sign

Your Absolutely True Astrological Prediction

Aries (March 21-April 19) 

 

 

It’s Aries Season, which means this month is all about you. 

It will be full of procrastination and binge watching the same show for the 10th time. But don’t worry, your headstrong nature will lead you to tell yourself you’re too good for school and you deserve a break.

But don’t get too relaxed, you’re in for lots of chaos this month. Well… you’ll most likely be the one to cause it but just in case, watch your back. 

Aries are usually stereotyped as being ‘hot headed’ and ‘impulsive’ but the stars are showing that you’ll only get into one fight this month. 

Expect the universe to send you a lot of messages this month. 

No, that message from your ex doesn’t count. 

And remember, don’t be afraid to reach for your goals just don’t reach too high, you’re less than 5’3” you can barely reach the top shelf. 

Taurus (April 20-May 20) 

 

 

This month, you are going to overthink things even more than usual. On April 14, Venus enters Taurus, which means LOVE! You will be wanted and fought over by two potential matesWow, two attractive suitors fighting over you!  

 But during this intense fight, your suitors will lock eyes, realize you are not worth it, and fall in love each other instead. Now the bad news…you will become angered and possessive Which will cause you to lose all concentration in your school and work life. This will eventually lead to you failing your classes and ending up under a bridge. 

 But they say, it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all…  

Gemini (May 21-June 20)  

 

 

Word on the street is that no one likes a two-faced, double-crossing Gemini.

You can’t let these haters get away with this, so here’s what you need to do:  pretend to be all friendly and sweet around them, and wait for that first flaw, that tiny vulnerability…and strikeShame this ‘friend’ publicly and enjoy every minute of it.  

That will show those suckers who you REALLY are…. 

Cancer (June 21-July 22)  

 

Sometime in this month you’ll tumble down 3 flights of stairs and break your right leg and arm, then your crush will tell you they don’t like you because they’re not into cripples, so try and avoid stairs for the next month.  

 Beware though because if you go on an elevator or escalator those will break too, so just avoid tall buildings in all.  

 You’ll be heartbroken for the next 3 years and cry every day because your leg will never be back to normal which means your crush will never like you back. Your friends will also stop visiting you at the hospital because you won’t be able to shut up about your crush. 

Leo (July 23-August 22)  

 

 

A tweet of yours is going to go viral, but don’t let it get to your head. Knowing how much you love attention, its important that you don’t interpret all the likes and retweets as heading towards being twitter famous.  

 Hate to break it to you but this fame is only going to pass by. And it’s basically all downhill from there. 

Virgo (August 23-September 22)  

 

 

Wow, the stars really hate you. I can’t even…my god, there’s blood everywhere. Yeah, don’t go out of your house for like a month.  

 Oh, that’s just a Cheetos smudge on the chart. You’ll be fine.  

 As always, watch out for Geminis. 

Libra (September 23-October 22) 

 

 

In the next couple of days, you will become Tiktok famous because someone recorded you doing something unbelievable, something that no one would ever be bold enough to do, something beyond exceptional.

It could be a good thing that everyone loves you for like saving a puppy from a burning buildingbut it’s probably going to be a wacky I-think-I broke-my-tailbone fail. That’s okay because either way you’ll gain 12k followers for it.   

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) 

 

 

The month of April is a hot mess, according to the stars.  

 Your teachers will assign more schoolwork than ever and not accept any late work.  

 Meanwhile, your best friend will betray your trust by hating on all your outfits behind your back.  

 If you are currently in a relationship, be careful of being deceived. Instead, break all connections before they do.  

 There will be a struggle between career and love, choose career. Your job will never wake up one day and leave you. Unless you’re fired, so never mind, pick whatever you want.  

 Maybe just stay in bed this April.  And always remember, whatever you do, don’t trust Geminis. 

 

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)    Your friends really seem like they take this social distancing thing seriously, until you find out that you just really smell bad.   

 That’s also why they wear two masks, btw.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)  

 

 

Our season has passed but this year will be all about you… and not in a good way. Everyone knows Capricorns are known for being cold and repressed. Because of this, it almost seems like the world is against you. 

 The stars are aligning and they’re telling me you will literally get jumped. Now, this could possibly be stopped, but the chances are very low because you’re kind of the worst sign ever (except for the stinking, no good, double crossing Gemini) 

 You walk into a room and fill it with negative energy simply because you don’t want to be there. So, at the end of the day, this is all on you! 

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)  

 

 

Single life is hard for you right now.  Your birth month is February, but you still couldn’t obtain a date for Valentines Day. Now even the dog won’t spend time with you.   

 Maybe it’s a good time to go full crisis mode: cry for a whole day, eat the whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food, and then dye your hair.  

Pisces (February 19-March 20) 

 

 

 

This week, your friend’s heart will be broken by a Scorpio. You know how they feel because you too will get your heart broken, but you probably deserved it since you were dating a no-good, double-crossing Gemini 

 However, since everyone sees Pisces as wimps, you will not cry about your feelings. You’re going to shove your feelings deep deep down into a bottle and throw it in the ocean.  

 Yeah, the ocean. Rocky Point Road Trip!