How to Plagiarize Effectively

How+to+Plagiarize+Effectively

Karla Pazos, Never Cheats

Ever find yourself annoyed by constant reminders from teachers that plagiarism is unethical or theft? Well fret no more, there is a work around! All you have to do is follow these simple steps:

  • Earn a bachelor’s degree from an accredited college or university
  • Complete an approved teacher preparation program
  • Earn teacher certification or licensure 
  • Become a teacher!

That’s right! Sure, you will be paid so little you will remain in debt for the majority of your adult life, but the riches all come from within–you’ll know in your heart the satisfaction of plagiarizing basically every part of your job, from your ‘team-made’ lesson plans to your youtube tutorials to your online quizzes. 

If you have trouble coming up with a decent lesson one week, don’t worry. All you have to do is google the topic and you will find dozens of PowerPoints, activities and videos from other teachers who, let’s face it, have way too much time on their hands.  Just click away and relax, knowing that their quality is so so much better than yours will ever be.

Can’t find homework assignments? That’s simple, just pay a random teacher across the country a few dollars for their homework, activities, and answer sheets. Feeling cheap? Grab a Quizlet, but don’t forget to warn your entire class about cheating and how if they get their answers online, they will be given a zero. 

Additionally, if you find yourself busy with other things and don’t have time to create a test, don’t bother. Once again, google your lesson and pick a test that closely aligns with your chapter. Or even better, convince some poorer teacher to give up her summer making new curriculum for you.  Pro Tip: the young ones work for cheap!

I know you’re wondering “but don’t I actually have to know the stuff I’m talking about?” Ahh, rookie mistake. That’s what textbooks are for! Don’t worry if a student asks you something in the chapter you have no clue about, remember this, nod thoughtfully, say “good question”, turn to the class and say “class, what do you think?”

And btw THERE ARE TESTS IN THE BOOK! just give those! if you haven’t gone over all of the topics in the test yet, just tell your students to, “take your best guess”.

If you catch one of them using their phone during a test, confiscate their phone and call security, this is the most effective way to teach them that cheating is unacceptable.  And remind them that in the real world, cheaters never prosper.